February 1, 201412 yr Author The government announced that if anyone has 5 children,his salary will be increased by 50 percent. A man heard the news and decided to go and bring his son (the one he had with his girlfriend) so they can add it to their four kids. When he came back,he met only on. He then asked,"where are the others?". His wife replied; "you are not the only one who heard the news,their fathers have come for them".
February 1, 201412 yr So I was like, going home one day. And one then turned to be around. I was fear, darkness very. Then he come to me, and speak "Boleslava is kill". I cring. Never forget what happen after what. This was hello you too.
February 1, 201412 yr Author Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
February 1, 201412 yr Author The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies" "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results" "My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London" "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with" "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod?????" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
February 1, 201412 yr Author So I was like, going home one day. And one then turned to be around. I was fear, darkness very. Then he come to me, and speak "Boleslava is kill". I cring. Never forget what happen after what. This was hello you too. Humm... i dont get this :unknw:
February 1, 201412 yr One time 3 persons were talking about who are the best people in staying under water longer so the 1st said ******* stayed under water for 7 minutes the 2nd said ****** stayed 5 minutes the 3rd said ***** stayed for 3 days & he still didn't go out.
February 1, 201412 yr Author One time 3 persons were talking about who are the best people in staying under water longer so the 1st said ******* stayed under water for 7 minutes the 2nd said ****** stayed 5 minutes the 3rd said ***** stayed for 3 days & he still didn't go out. Lol
February 1, 201412 yr Author Kid: “Dad, are you growing taller all the time?” Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?” Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”
February 1, 201412 yr Author “What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.” “Ah! She got a terrible shock.” “How was it?” “She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she dropped her new $500 phone and somebody sold it for $50.”
February 1, 201412 yr Author Loco: “I painted something for last year’s academy.” Bob: “Was it hung?” Loco: “Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it.” Bob: “Congratulations! What was it?” Loco: “A board saying, ‘Keep To The Left’.”
February 1, 201412 yr Author A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure it's hot down here.
February 1, 201412 yr Author A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
February 4, 201412 yr A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?" "Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
February 10, 201412 yr Author Recently i attended a special class for women on car maintenance, given each year by a local garage. The first lesson was on the parts of the internal combustion engine; the second, on how these parts work together to make the car go. At the beginning of the third lesson, the instructor smilingly and spitefully asked how many of the women had gone home and "stripped down" the family car. All was quiet until one woman raised her hand and said timidly, "You forgot to tell us how to open the bonnet"
February 14, 201412 yr Author 1st year medical students were attending their 1st anatomy class. They all gathered around the table and there was a real dead body on the table. Akpos, the professor started the class by telling them two important qualities of a DOCTOR. The 1st is that never be DISGUSTED about anything in the body for example, he inserted his FINGER in the deadbody’s ANUS and put the finger in his own mouth and TASTED it. Then he told the students to do what he did. The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body’s ANUS and tasted it. When everyone finished tasting their fingers, they were all Frowning… Then Professor Akpos looked at them and said: The most important 2nd quality is Observation. I inserted my MIDDLE finger but tasted the 2ND finger….Now learn to pay attention!! Hahahahaha!! ALL D students went crazy!! :wacko:
February 16, 201412 yr Let me enrich your souls with a short joke. What happens when an elephant walks over a cliff? He falls!!! hahaheheeeee.......... Bestest joke ever. Awesome stand-up commedy material.
February 20, 201412 yr Author Let me enrich your souls with a short joke. What happens when an elephant walks over a cliff? He falls!!! hahaheheeeee.......... Bestest joke ever. Awesome stand-up commedy material. What happens when Twindle is bored He laughs alone!!! Hahahaheeee.... :wacko:
February 20, 201412 yr Author Twindle Twindle little boy how i wonder what noob you are (Noffense bro, :) just a joke, dont take it personal[Plsss])
February 20, 201412 yr And what about the chicken that had not one leg. Went scratching the ground and fell... Bwahahahahahahahahaha :rofl: . .. ... Why are you not laughing?
February 20, 201412 yr Author Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish u had a club and a spade
February 21, 201412 yr Author Neil Armstrong was the first human being on the moon. Neil A. backwards is Alien. Mind f*cked.
February 21, 201412 yr Author A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, and a crab with a whale for a daughter: The Directors of Spongebob were obviously high
February 21, 201412 yr Author There were 3 girls on a island. they are blond, brunette and a black haired. After 3 weeks of starvation a magician came and saod "Go home already. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisley. the brunette says "i want to go home!" and poof she goes home. the black says "i want to go home!" and poof she goes home. the the blonde says "i want my friends back!"
February 22, 201412 yr Do you want girls hitting up on you?Start living on the underground of a motel. . . . . . . . Get it? That was sad anyway... I need a girlfriend :(
March 11, 201412 yr Author I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
March 11, 201412 yr Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish u had a club and a spade Truth is not something to joke about ;D
March 12, 201412 yr Truth is not something to joke about ;D Truth is a joke and life is a comedic tragedy.
March 12, 201412 yr Author Truth is not something to joke about ;D "Truth is a joke and life is a comedic tragedy." :spiteful:
March 19, 201412 yr 3 people walking down the street called duck, Shit & Manners, Whilst walking Shit fell over and Manners went to help him up duck carried on walking and bumped into the policeman and he said: "What is your first name?" He replied: duck, "Second name?" He replied Off, duck Off, Policeman says,"where's your manners" duck says Half way down the road picking up shit :lol: Thank you, thank you :)
March 23, 201412 yr Author Dad: Say daddy! Baby: Mommy! Dad: Come on, say daddy! Baby: Mommy! Dad: F*ck you, say daddy! Baby: F*ck you, Mommy! Mom: Honey, I'm home! Baby: F*ck you! Mom: Who taught you that? Baby: Daddy! Dad: Son of a b*tch
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